One year: A lasting love letter

I made it. Kim died Nov. 23, 2015, and I vowed to write a monthly blog about this journey. Today, it ends. But will it ever?

It still seems like yesterday. Yet, the memories are fading. It's that odd roller-coaster of emotions and feelings which consume you, battle to push you on, restrict you from letting go.

The nightmares are gone. Guilt is easing a bit. But this sense of remorse, of knowing what she is missing, remains strong. Kim was meant to be a grandma.

That might be the most difficult of all. I know how she would have loved the grandkids already here, those yet to come. She would be embracing that role with vigor.

That's what dominated my thoughts standing a year ago in that hospital room. Doctors, nurses, paramedics, darn near everyone on the floor seemed to have packed into that room. Nobody really in charge, nobody with an answer. Nobody. And I watched efforts to get oxygen to her fail.

I asked them all to leave. Kim's head was tilted toward the door side of the room, where I stood. I kissed her one last time on the head saying, "I'm so sorry." She was gone so very unexpectedly at the young age of 58. I was stunned. Finally, after watching efforts for almost 45 minutes, I was alone, I was able to cry.

The many calls home, to kids, to Kim's sisters and friends, to my siblings, to Pastor Bob Miner, were the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. We were all stunned. This was supposed to be the simple surgery. She had passed in flying colors the brain tumor surgery six weeks earlier. And now my wife of 36 years, companion for 40, was gone.

Marriage is not easy. It sure wasn't for Kim and I. But as I said several times over these past 12 months, we'd become best friends once again. In that hospital room, and now, I'm so thankful for that.

But it doesn't change the fact that one regrets not being a better husband. I should have told her more often how I loved her. I should have kissed her more often. I should have held her more often. I should have argued less. There's so much more I could have done, could have been. I could have, and should have, been a better husband.

Love changes over time. The early passions often turn to the reality of parenting and how damn hard work it is. But it was an area where Kim and I had tried our best -- we wouldn't have had it any other way. Our kids were Kim's life, and mine. And they remain her legacy.

There were times in our marriage when both of us wondered where the love had gone. Kim and I often went different directions and developed separate friend networks. It pulls one away from each other. Often, there's little time for one another.

I think both of us took way too long to understand how love evolves, how it's shaped by the events, good and bad, through the years.

But we loved. Deeply.

I've turned to some close friends during this past year, asking for guidance and advice and support. And that support has been amazing. I've shared my pain, how surprising the depth of it hits the soul. Many have stated simply that the amount of pain correlates with the amount of love lost. I now smile when I say this, for tears tell that story of both pain and love.

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Over the past 12 months, there have been some key moments in my attempt to move forward. My move back into community journalism at St. Peter and Le Sueur meant the world to me. I was blessed by great co-workers who became special friends. I can't say enough what fellow journalists Suzy Rook, Pat Beck, Alex Kerkman, Nancy Madsen, Philip Weyhe, Dan Ring and others along the way meant. Thank you for your support, patience, understanding and friendship.

Leaving the company and them was tough, but the right thing to do, at the right time. But I will never forget them or what good journalism means to the common good.

After Kim died, I knew a departure loomed down the road. I just wasn't sure when. After a week off for the funeral, I was back at work and logged some pretty long hours. It was my sanctuary. But there were also special people I met along the way. First, I was able to rediscover a special St. Peter community. It's hard to put a finger on, but it's this island of progressive, diverse thinkers who made my years there so special and contributed mightily to my heart and soul.

When a rural Minnesota native stumbles upon such special places like River Rock Coffee, the St. Peter Food Co-op and the Arts Center of Saint Peter, it adds to the blessings.

I also found a bit of family and community in the Le Sueur-Henderson softball team. That might sound odd, but at a time when I was drifting, I saw a program which cared both about direction and purpose beyond the playing field. And I vowed to follow them through another state tournament run.

After the Giants softball team wrapped up a disheartening final two games, I watched some special people tearfully end their amazing journey. And I was honored to have covered it.

On my walk back to the car, I broke down. I had made this benchmark and knew I was closing in on the end of my work at the newspapers.

Following a three-week break in July, I targeted the November elections. And that would be it.

What's next? I'm not certain. But it's sure to include family. I have Kim's legacy to hold close.

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When I gaze at the picture of Mikell and Kim shortly after her brain tumor surgery, it pretty much epitomizes what we now can only hold in our thoughts. Kim was changing, going through some tough medical times, but still embracing a love of family, and hope.

I remember vividly how she approached her final surgery, a "simple" hysterectomy to deal with uterine cancer. I asked her if she was ready, and she was. I pinched her toe, of all things, and said I'd see her after the surgery.

I did. Only for minutes. Weeks later, the pathology report came back: the surgery itself was successful and had removed all Kim's cancer, which she had been fearing. It was a tough call to handle.

Not being able to say goodbye is a difficult part of this journey. Not officially knowing what happened is an equally difficult burden. Still, truly understanding what she is missing remains the most difficult.

But Kim's history of hospice/social work service, in its own way, prepared us. Her dedication to the field was respected and admired. And those professionals who worked with her and beside her during those years brought such meaningful messages to my children in the days and weeks following Kim's death. It might have been their first deep look into their mother's work. It made them, and me, proud all over again.

Kim was a great hospice social worker. It was a gift, for it's difficult work. She was soft when she needed to be, tough when it was deemed necessary. I can't begin to count the people who've come up to me since her death and told me what Kim's service meant to their families.

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So, this is it. This was our Kimmer. She had eyes of gold. And a spirit I could never quite figure out.

But that's OK. Love isn't supposed to be easy, with no pain. Living together is even more difficult. Shared space and community doesn't always connect well.

Yet, there hasn't been a day since Nov. 23, 2015, in which I haven't looked into those eyes and wondered a thousand different things.

I wonder what she'd be thinking about our growing family. About what I should do next. About that damn election.

I wonder what lies ahead for all of us.

But I don't wonder what role she played in my life and in the lives of our children. She was hard on all of us at times. Yet, we can still share those experiences with smiles and laughter and love.

We can also share that love over and over again. The diversity of the Melius children -- Ben, Ambryn, Bill, Matt, Andy and Mikell -- is something friends have admired about our parenting. I think they're just giving us kind praise, for there's always been this element of dysfunction in all our journeys. Maybe that's what makes it all so right.

This journey moves on without Mama Melius. Kimmer, we will continue to look into those eyes, ponder your guidance. And we will never forget your love.

All my love, Dane

P.S.: I finally watched another episode of NCIS. It contained a great message, one which would have made you smile. But it wasn't the same without you. I'll keep working on these things.

(Nearly) 11 months: Kim's Nov. 8 vote

Kim isn't going to be able to cast a vote this election. I'm guessing she's just a little bit upset about that, among other things. I'm pretty darn sure she's shouting at any TV which might be available. And she's probably pissed there's no Facebook to click and comment.

And reload. And like or love. (She likely wouldn't have figured out all the options.)

Kim's Nov. 23 death has put our family on this yearlong journey of reflection. And for those of you who have followed this blog, your kind words and support have been truly amazing.

But this month, besides a bit early, I have to veer off a bit and give Kim a voice. She would have wanted me to do so, for she was not one who wished to remain silent.

Going back to last November, among one of Kim's last Facebook posts was her sadness over the refugee crisis in Europe and the Middle East. But it was America's response --  the lack of it, the hate and fear -- that prompted this mother of six and grandmother to scold.

It was a good scolding.

Had she survived, Kim would not be happy with the emergence of one Donald Trump and his ongoing message of hate and fear. (Some of you may want to leave at this point. Kim would likely have never removed her Trump-supporting friends from Facebook, but her messages would have been clear.)

But the latest news about Trump's narcissistic, sexist and demeaning ways with women would have been the final blow. She would have, putting in words the Trumpers can understand, been unshackled.

Any mother should be able to understand. The vulgarity, the over-the-top language, the bragging of affairs and girlfriends and agreeing his daughter was a fine "piece of ass" and eyeing a 10-year-old girl as his future girlfriend...and so on. It would have long ago tipped Kim's scale of decency.

She would have asked all of you to look into the mirror and ask yourself if that's who you would want representing this great nation. This already great nation. She would have asked you to talk with your daughters and see how they felt about Trump's ways and words. She would have asked fellow mothers about the times they were whistled at and touched and treated as objects, then asked again how your daughters have too often been objectified, groped at a bar or worse, turned upside down at a wedding dance.

She would not have listened to arguments about eight years of an Obama presidency, for she would have asked you to truly listen to Michelle Obama's amazing, powerful words and asked you to compare the contrasting messages and directions of the two campaigns.

Kim would not have tolerated the bashing of one Hillary Clinton, nor the criticism that she stayed with a wandering husband. She would have noted the difficulties women continue to face in the workforce, having to be that much better, that much more productive, that much more balanced than male counterparts.

She would have called a horse's ass a horse's ass.

And then she would have taken it one step farther and called her four sons. She would have asked them if that was typical "locker room" talk. And Kim would have heard from the boys that, no, it wasn't. And this proud mom would have known she did her best to teach her men to be better, to respect women. And they do.

That would have been Kim.

We all make mistakes. I made many more than Kim during our 36 years of marriage. But it's always been about moving forward, trying to do better, learning along the way, and then trying to do good again. It continues to be our family's journey.

Kim would sometimes roll her eyes at my stories of days gone by, of having visited with Hillary on two occasions, of having sat at the table with her in Washington, D.C. to help work on ideas and policies dear to us. (And she's probably rolling those beautiful eyes again.)

But as direct and unforgiving as Kim could be at times, she was a great assessor of the good in people. And she saw that in me, thankfully.

Say what you want about the Clintons. But that's the difference in this campaign. Moving forward with a sense of direction. Of hope, not fear. Of the potential good in all of us.

It was Kim's message as a social worker. It was Kim's message as a mother. It would continue to be Kim's message today.

(Note: Four years ago, I had intended this to be my final words on the late Sen. Paul Wellstone, who died in a plane crash just prior to the 2012 election. But I've been surprised at how many young voters know little about the man and his message. I'm reposting it..one last time.)

One last tear for Paul Wellstone 10/25/2012

“The politics of conviction is a winning politics.” – Paul Wellstone, The Conscience of a Liberal, 2001.

Ten years ago, I served in St. Paul as co-executive director of a non-profit co-founded by Paul Wellstone, the Minnesota Alliance for Progressive Action (MAPA).  Two staff members had attended a meeting that morning with Paul and Sen. Ted Kennedy, then moved on to a fundraiser with the legendary Massachusetts senator while Sen. Wellstone headed north for a funeral of long-time Iron Ranger, Martin Rukavina. Wellstone was scheduled later that evening to debate Republican challenger Norm Coleman in Duluth.

I remained at our University Avenue office with three other MAPA staffers. As the noon hour closed in, word spread that Wellstone’s plane was missing, and fears mounted. About the same time I received a call from our Duluth office, Minnesota Public Radio news confirmed: Paul Wellstone and seven others, including his wife Sheila and daughter Marcia, died just outside Eveleth.

Stunned, saddened and wondering what next to do, I was struck by how mad our communications coordinator, Steve Share, appeared. 

“They killed him,” he said.  His immediate assassination conspiracy was not alone, as others also viewed it a possibility.  A 2004 book, American Assassination: The Strange Death of Senator Paul Wellstone by Don Jacobs and James Fetzer, expanded on those thoughts.

I never believed it, but that anger and suspicion highlighted the passion of both supporters and opponents of Wellstone.  I had met Paul several times but was not close to him and his family, as others were at MAPA.  And I did not know at the time of my hiring, as the organization tried to beef up its rural Minnesota support, that Paul had grown somewhat disappointed in MAPA’s efforts, which had moved away from a series of key progressive issues, particularly on the environment, and focused almost exclusively on campaign finance reform.

Still, his presence there was strong. And MAPA was one of the organizations which were asked to assist at Wellstone’s memorial service four days later in Williams Arena on the University of Minnesota campus.  All very informally, I greeted and assisted at one entrance, then decided to station myself near one of the rickety emergency exits on Williams’ south side. There were no formal instructions, but standing there by an uncontrolled exit seemed to make sense.

Wellstone’s surviving family members, sons David and Mark, had made only simple requests: No VIP treatment and no heavy security.  Remember, this was just over a year after the 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York and nearly all sitting United States senators would be in attendance, as was Minnesota’s surprise Gov. Jesse Ventura and former Vice President Walter Mondale, who had agreed to place his name on the ballot, replacing Wellstone.  And the Secret Service would be heavy around former President Bill Clinton.

So, at my entrance, I watched as actor Michael J. Fox, already struggling to walk, moved into the arena alongside us regular citizens, all likely uncertain as to what would follow.  For some reason, I most vividly remember a handshake from former Minnesota U.S. Sen. David Durenberger, a moderate Republican who I had interviewed on a couple occasions previously as a community journalist.  His vision and support for health care reform had placed him in disfavor with many fellow Republicans but welcomed by his friend, the late Paul Wellstone.

From my emergency exit post at the top of the first deck, I watched the elevated TV screen zoom in on U.S. senators as they entered the arena.  Immediately, you knew this wasn’t going to be your normal memorial service. President Clinton drew huge applause as he entered, but some Republicans – particularly Sen. Trent Lott of Mississippi, then Senate Majority Leader – were booed. Gov. Ventura and his wife, Terry, drew applause, but would later walk out due to the political nature of the service. And every once in a while, I’d open that old emergency exit door, amazed by the lack of security, uneasy but not surprised by the mounting emotions.

It peaked as Wellstone friend, Rick Kahn, launched into a fiery, emotional tribute.  Former St. Paul Mayor George Latimer, who I had grown to respect and know, served as memorial service host and years later spoke candidly about his sorrow over how the event became so political.  He wished he would have done more to defuse it.

Seven days after this service-turned-political rally, Coleman defeated Mondale by two percentage points. Most political analysts, me included, attributed Coleman’s narrow victory to the tone of Wellstone’s memorial.  Most agreed that Wellstone would have likely won a third term.

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“The health and vitality of rural communities is based not on the number of acres farmed or the number of animals owned but rather on the number of family farmers who live in the community, buy in the community, and contribute to and care about the community.” – Paul Wellstone.

My first close glimpse of this short, fiery progressive activist was in 1982.  No DFLer had stepped to the plate and accepted the tough task of taking on popular State Auditor Arne Carlson.  So, as the Minnesota DFL convention closed in, Wellstone literally jumped on to the stage at the district convention in Willmar and later the state convention in Duluth.

For those of you who’ve attended such conventions, we know they can be very long and boring.   Wellstone electrified us.  Gov. Mark Dayton, who as the DFL U.S. Senate candidate lost to Durenberger in that same ’82 election, recalled that convention speech recently in an October 11 remembrance of Wellstone at Macalester College in St. Paul.

A now-forgotten young gentleman was set to be the DFL sacrificial lamb to Carlson, but Wellstone emerged from nowhere. 

“The very earnest young man spoke first and gave a very earnest description of the auditor’s responsibilities,” Dayton said, as reported by writer Doug Grow for MinnPost.com. “He reminded everyone that the definition of an auditor is a bank teller without the charisma.”

“Then Paul spoke…The convention went wild. The fact that Paul’s issues had nothing to do with the job of state auditor meant nothing to DFLers who had just heard the most electrifying speech of their lives.”

It was.  Paul went on to give many more electrifying speeches on issues dear to him and most Minnesotans.  Wellstone’s progressive passion mounted during the Midwest farm crisis of the early to mid-‘80s and his strong support for a southwestern Minnesota protest movement, Groundswell.  His fire burned for small, family farmers.

That passion and those speeches were not forgotten by rural Minnesotans, and despite vast political differences, these far more conservative citizens found a friend and fierce advocate.  Wellstone went on to one of the most stunning upsets in U.S. political history, narrowly defeating folksy Sen. Rudy Boschwitz, the lone incumbent United States senator to lose in that 1990 election.  Six years later, Wellstone’s populist image had grown as he won a Boschwitz rematch by nine percentage points.

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“I told Minnesotans I was for universal health coverage –Medicare for all, living wage jobs, the right of workers to organize and bargain collectively, more investment in children and education, more environmental protection, and campaign finance reform…I tried to never equivocate on the issues. I was a liberal and proud of it!” – Paul Wellstone.

Paul Wellstone was very liberal, often considered the most liberal of all 100 U.S. senators.  But he won because of his values and convictions, and people liked and trusted him.

In the introduction to his autobiography, The Conscience of a Liberal: Reclaiming the Compassionate Agenda, he opened:

“There is one lesson I have learned that I hold above all others from my experience as a father, teacher, community organizer, and U.S. senator: We should never separate the lives we live from the words we speak. To me, the most important goal is to live a life consistent with the values I hold dear and to act on what I believe in.”

Wellstone’s final two years in the U.S. Senate coincided with President George W. Bush’s first term and Republican control of the White House and Congress for the first time in a half century.  He was saddened by the conservative turn and noted the irony of Bush’s “compassionate conservatism,” which said “there is little that government can or should do about the most pressing issues of people’s lives.”

“That is a fine philosophy if you run your own corporation and are wealthy,” Wellstone stressed. “It does not work for most of the people.”

The last time I saw Wellstone and was ab;e tp shake his hand once more was at a 2002 Labor Day rally near the shores of Lake Superior in Duluth.  What struck me was how rough Paul looked, how he had aged since his electrifying emergence in 1982, with that afro-like haircut and finger-pointing style of speech.  In Duluth, he had some difficulty walking, then calling it the remnants of an old wrestling injury.  Later, it was revealed that Paul really suffered from the early stages of multiple sclerosis.

What always struck me about Paul was how much a regular citizen he was and remained. He rarely wavered from that role, in one sense amazed he became a U.S. senator, in another encouraged by what community organizing and activism could produce.  One of my more simple remembrances of Paul was in St. Peter at the American Legion, early in the 1990 election season.  Wellstone and a few others sat at the head table as caterers readied plates and announced that the honored guests would eat first.

Surprisingly, Paul became visibly upset at that notion and announced to the caterers and the small crowd that everyone would be served together. And we were.  That was Paul.  He knew he was one of us, and those he touched knew it, as well.

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“I have dedicated my life to the cause of economic justice and equality of opportunity for all Americans.” – Paul Wellstone.

These words by an amazing man, a life cut too short, resonant strongly as the Election of 2012 nears.  Wellstone made an abbreviated run in 1997 for president in preparation for that 2000 election which eventually sent George W. Bush to the White House.  While many have speculated what might have been had Wellstone survived, his loss no doubt left the progressive movement floundering. 

His passions were many, particularly on the environment, education, health care reform, issues of poverty and campaign finance reform. But it is the areas of mental health and domestic abuse where the Wellstone legacy – both of Paul and Sheila – remain most firm.  His legislation calling for insurance companies to treat mental health coverage similar to physical ailments was championed in the House by former Minnesota Republican Rep. Jim Ramstad and Democratic Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, both recovering alcoholics, and Sens. Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) and Pete Domenici (R-New Mexico).

And Sheila’s behind-the-scene work on the issue of domestic abuse produced similar success and results back home in Minnesota.

Paul was also one of just 11 U.S. senators to cast votes against authorizing the use of force in the Persian Gulf War of 1991 and the Iraq War of 2002.

That plane crash near Eveleth on October 25, 2002, rattled the world of Wellstone supporters.  Wife Sheila, daughter Marcia Wellstone Markuson, campaign staffers Tom Lapic, Mary McEvoy and Will McLaughlin, and pilots Richard Conry and Michael Guess also died.

As I began to pull files of old Wellstone stories, knowing I would have words to share on this date, and as the Minnesota media started its story-telling earlier this month, I was saddened again.  Doug Grow’s MPR story, interviewing Walter Mondale, brought back tears, as I recalled those days.  But Gov. Dayton’s remembrance speech often made me smile.

And Paul would not be happy with those of us who sulked and withdrew from the progressive cause.  So the tears should finally stop, while the memories should never fade. 

And the work should never end.

10 months: The nightmares return

I'm not really certain what prompted the return of nightmares, the reliving of my wife Kim's final minutes in the hospital room. I've some ideas and have reached out to those I trust to try and bring some peace to it all.

And while it's been unexpected and painful, I've kind of needed the look back. It's all we've got now, holding on to all those memories, good and bad.

I'm guessing they returned because I still hold deep guilt. Guilt over not speaking out that maybe Kim wasn't strong enough for another surgery, that Kim would've preferred a different hospital, that I didn't shout loud enough that she was in trouble.

And for as many times as I've told myself that I'm not at fault, that we had to trust the medical doctors who approved the surgery, that no matter what decisions were made, I shouldn't be feeling such guilt. But I do.

I'm working through that. Yesterday, on the 10-month anniversary of Kim's death, I needed to reach out again to a friend who's also experienced trauma, in a much different way. And we both cried again.

She looked me in the eyes and said bluntly: "Dana, you shouldn't feel guilty." And she knows she shouldn't either. But trauma, at all sorts of levels, can hang with you.

My recent nightmares might have been prompted by our lawyers' decision not to pursue a medical malpractice suit. It's a firm filled with people I know and respect, and they simply felt they couldn't prove negligence.

I know what I saw. Proving that in the courts is an entirely different issue. And I accept that reality.

I'm also guessing that's why I keep writing about it, making that promise to compile thoughts at each month interval through the first year of not having Kimmy around the Melius house. I still gaze at her picture each morning, rub my hand over the urn, and move through each day.

But it takes a toll.

My past couple years with the St. Peter Herald and Le Sueur News-Herald have been cherished. I'm surrounded by people I care deeply about and they return the favor. I've made new friends, met amazing people. It was a perfect fit for Kim and I, we thought, despite the 35-mile commute. I'd traveled much farther in other jobs.

I had actually hoped to retire at the Herald office. And because the Adams Publishing Group continues to buy up papers, there's probably an on-going need for old-school journalists like me.

Kim's Nov. 23, 2015 death changed all that. I knew almost immediately it would. There's that loss of current purpose, loss of half of the household income, the need for change. It's why I asked to shift away from the St. Peter community a few months ago; I had grown too close to many there and it was an ongoing, emotional roller-coaster.

At Le Sueur, I targeted mid-June as a critical point to make it through -- the LSH Giants softball team was likely going back to the state tourney and I wanted to be there for it. Sounds odd, but that program gave me a sense of community that was so important at the time. The coaching staff and members of that team welcomed me; others appreciated the coverage.

But after the Giants' finale at Caswell Park in North Mankato, I broke down walking to my car. I had made it to through that special point. And it was over.

I took nearly three weeks off in July to decompress. I wasn't really sure what the end result might be. Now I do.

Recently, I gave my notice. I'll be done at this wonderful place Nov. 11. It was a difficult decision but the right one. The St. Peter Herald needed me when I joined them in 2014 and I needed them. That's a pretty darn good match. And it brought me back into a profession I love and hold deep pride.

What's next? I have no idea. But this remains a grand journey. And I still have more in the tank and more to give, And more love in the heart.

Peace friends.

9 months...Almost 

Some of the memories fade away. I guess it's both human nature and part growing older. It's inevitable yet not something any of us wish.

Over the past few months, I've struggled to come up with just the right words to express my feelings or relay what's going on in the Melius family, almost 9 months since Kim died.

This month, the words come easy.

August 20 is oldest son Ben's birthday, born in 1979. Kim and I would joke that Ben's was easy to remember -- 7 months after our wedding!

Kim was hoping for a September wedding and we had things pretty well set for a late summer event. But some Thanksgiving weekend celebrating in Mankato changed that a bit.

Initially, when we found out Kim was pregnant, it pretty much not only threw plans for a September wedding into some chaos, our college studies were going to be a bit more challenging. I had just one semester left at the University of Minnesota; Kim had a full year left at Mankato State.

We decided to move things up to March 24, which became quite a day in the Melius household. Our anniversary, Grandpa Mel Polzin's birthday, and down the road, third child and second son William's birth date.

Thirty-seven years later, the first-born memories have not faded. Ben was a beautiful baby with big eyes, curly hair right out the chute. Kim, I'm thinking, probably wouldn't like how that's phrased, for I was just a spectator. She did the hard work. Six times, too.

That first-born experience is so special, not that the other five Melius children weren't, but the fear of the unknown, the amazing emotions of holding that creation of ours, the fear and excitement of what's ahead when Kim and I drove away from the Arlington hospital. Precious, lasting memories.

Kim was such a trooper. After a very brief honeymoon which included a small Bloomington hotel. (We actually watched the Ten Commandments the first night, but that's another story.) She went back to MSU for spring quarter; I went back to 1104 South Eighth St. in Minneapolis, rooming with Gary "Gigs" Saxton.

Kim never liked the Twin Cities. It might have been the location of our duplex, on a busy street which then turned into Hwy. 55 East. It might have been that evening when we looked out our window to see a burning mattress on the front yard. Whatever the reasons, Kim never really warmed up to the metro area.

On weekends, we'd come back to Winthrop and stay at Kim's parents' house. She continued her social work studies, growing bigger by the day, even taking some summer classes to get ahead. I was so proud of her and should have told her that more often through the years.

Ben's presence in our lives drastically changed Kim and my plans. We really weren't certain what those plans might be, but we never truly imagined living in Winthrop all our lives. The old, fading black and white picture of Ben's first T-ball score has always been one of my favorites, as the park became a key part of our lives.

We made Winthrop home and, for the most part, was good to us, especially the 1980s emergence of GFW schools. And while there are always times one wonders what might have transpired on a different journey, there are no regrets. And looking back never changes the road ahead.

Kim and I were honest to one another -- had we not settled into the old hometown, we might not have had six children. We might not have even managed to stay together for 36 years, for our personal journeys were so completely different.

But we did. And we cherished the diversity of our children and the joys they brought to our lives. I have said it often since Kim died -- our six children are Kim's living legacy. I am not just proud of that fact, I am honored. They have often held me up when I should have been shouldering their needs. I will never be able to thank them enough.

The Melius family has journeyed together through some ups and downs. There will be more. Kim's death sidetracked all of us, stunned us. But we are stronger because of her.

Some memories fade, like old photographs. The legacies left by Kim in the eyes of her children, in her passion for hospice and families dealing with death and dying, and now in our grandchildren, will never die.

Matt and Krystal's Aug. 6 wedding was another special time for all of us. Kim would have loved to have been a part of it. We continue to miss her dearly. Hopefully, she's smiling. Pissed she missed it. But moving us on.

Eight months-plus: Vacation thoughts

I've taken few vacations over the past decade. Moving from project to project since my days working in St. Paul haven't allowed me to build up much time off. But this July, I needed the time to catch up, to reminisce, to think ahead.

In past words, I had mentioned that a September trip to Seattle for Alex and Ambryn's wedding was the first time Kim and I had ever flown together. And it became a special time for Kim. The venue at Flying Horseshoe Ranch in Cle Elum, Washington, was amazing. It's about 90 miles east of Seattle, where the couple lived.

Today, they are on their way "home." A stop in Missoula, Montana to visit Alex's brother, then a stop in Cody, Wyoming to spend time with Alex's father and step-mom. It's all gorgeous country, and I was worried about Alex leaving it for the prairies and lakes of Minnesota.

But over the Fourth of July weekend, it seemed a good time to visit them in Seattle one last time. Some friends asked me why visit now, when they'll be back in Minnesota in short order. It was an easy answer: "That's where they are right now." I really didn't want to wait a few more weeks before they and their moving pods hit the Minneapolis area. That's where they expect to find their new place, a space and community they can call home.

But there was another big reason for visiting Seattle again. Besides the Pacific Northwest being such beautiful country, I needed to be in a place that I truly believe was the highlight of Kim's days. I told that to Ambryn for the first time while visiting and she seemed in a bit of disbelief. But it was. For Kim, as I've said before, was changing. She was trying to take control of her life and health. And while her medical journey was still unfolding, she was so optimistic and encouraged by this new part of her very personal path.

To see this area one more time, one in which Kim truly seemed to be on a new spiritual journey, was important to me.

Ambryn and I have also talked about community and space, the importance of it all. Seattle had been her and Alex's place, their home. Now, they'll soon be in Minnesota, hoping to find that new community of friends, that new space. I am beyond excited. So is Ambryn's younger sister, Mikell, who recently posted to Facebook:  "I haven't lived in the same state as my incredible sister since I was about 11, and now she brings the wonderful addition that is Alex Kewitt. It'll be good to have you home ladies,"

It will. Of the six Melius children, only Andy will be outside of Minnesota. He, wife Sarah and that smiling bundle of joy, Juni, are settling in nicely to Traverse City, Michigan. It's also a gorgeous, special place. Visit there if you have the chance. (While there, possibly trim Drew's beard growth.)

Family has kept us together through this journey. It will continue to be my strength.

More vacation thoughts

Some random thoughts this July:

• I still love golf. I wish I wouldn't have given it up for such a long period. But baseball took a toll on my shoulder, so a difficult game has become more difficult. 
• I do love almond milk.
• Our health care system remains a mess, and it's not because of Obama's Affordable Care Act. The high costs of health care in the U.S. are out of control.
• Donald Trump scares the hell out of me.
• Life remains good.
• But I miss Kim dearly. I'm still adjusting, transitioning, finding my way. I still don't feel complete. 
• My children and grandchildren drive me to be better.
• The August entry, at nine months, will be special, reflecting on Matt and Krystal's wedding.
• And there are many others, new and old, that I dearly love.

Seven months-plus: Trying to find the right words to move forward

It's been well over seven months since Kim died Nov. 23, 2015. I had promised myself to write down my thoughts each month, trying to best explain the journey of my family.

This one's been the most difficult. And I'm really not sure why.

I started jotting down my thoughts only days after that 7-month mark -- June 23. A week later, I went at it again. But after a couple attempts, I set it all aside.

Now, as we're closing in on the eighth month, I'm back at it once more. Maybe my loss of words was because of a crazy schedule. Or maybe there were simply too many special days from May 24 through June 23. But what I truly fear is that the memories are fading.

I don't want that.

There were so many firsts again. One of those was granddaughter Juni's first birthday, which Grandma Kim would have truly loved. Matt and I had planned to get out to Andy and Sarah's in Traverse City, Michigan, but both our schedules complicated the long, 12-hour drive there for Juni's big day.

Then Mikell's stubbornness, planning and unique ability to pull the string on decision-making rose to the top. Thinking Matt and I were driving there for a quick visit and turnaround, Mikell bought a plane ticket to Traverse City and hoped to ride back to Minnesota with Matt and I.

But she's smart, and knows us. Mikell purchased insurance on that ticket...just in case we changed plans or didn't make it to Michigan. The Melius car history is well-known.

Matt and I did change plans. Still, I pretty much figured Mikell would then drive out on her own, and I didn't want that. So, the two of us made the crazy trip together, and back. It was worth it.

Juniper Melius, 1, is one happy little girl. Darn near a spitting image of her father, Andy. And, as the kids have ceremoniously noted, a hair style like her Grandpa Melius. Thin, sprouting up, more than a bit goofy and wild.

It was a tiring trip back to Minnesota, but well worth the effort. And as Mikell noted, Kim would have wanted us there.

Time to take some time off

There's really no other way to put it: I need time off. Since taking a week off to plan Kim's funeral, I've pretty much dug into my job at the St. Peter Herald and Le Sueur News-Herald. There's been a lot of moments which have convinced me to take a break. There was none more direct than a Friday morning covering a volunteer appreciation at the Minnesota Valley Health Center in Le Sueur.

I have spent a lot of time in nursing homes, assisted living facilities and retirement centers. For almost a 7-year stretch, I had visited my father, Pud, and mother, Karen, through their final days.

But prior to that, Kim's work in the hospice field placed me in the middle of her amazing work. She was a great hospice social worker. I admired her for that talent and dedication to bringing dignity and understanding for those dying and their families.

As I visited with some volunteers and staff members -- and as I had become more and more aware during my early weeks in Le Sueur -- I realized Kim had touched many families in the area during her days in hospice.

It made me proud of Kim's work through the years.

Now, it is time for me to re-examine my accomplishments, as well as my flaws, and consider the future. For the future is full of amazing opportunities. But to contribute, I need time off. And I'm planning to do so in July.

Through it, I will both honor Kim's legacy, and try to reshape mine.

Six month's re-boot

It's now been over six months since Kim died. And it's been over a week since I scrapped my original blog post for this half-year reflection. It was too difficult.

When Kim died Nov. 23, 2015, I vowed to write each month, telling about my feelings, those of my kids, and this journey of "losing" a spouse...And I know Kimmer, we didn't lose you; you died.

I also had convinced myself that if we had no answers regarding Kim's death by six months, I would revisit that horrific scene in the hospital. I thought I might need to better inform friends on what happened, what my eyes saw. And I truly thought I might need to finally unload my inner feelings, to finally feel free of that experience.

But I couldn't.

And I'm still trying to sort out just why. What I do know is this: Kim died, and she shouldn't have. And people I trust are trying to sort it all out.

My original words for this month may someday surface. Maybe not. It might be that when re-reading those reflections of that unexpected, frighteningly difficult turn-of-events in Kim's hospital room it appeared as if I was unforgiving. And that's not the case, not me.

Forgiveness is one of life's most passionate sentiments and often the most difficult for many. I have often considered that reality most troubling. How can a nation which so often prides itself on Biblical teachings be so hesitant to forgive? How can a nation which preaches Christianity be so intolerant?

I've written before about some of Kim's last Facebook postings which, of course, were some of her last thoughts. She was deeply troubled by the mounting refugee issues in the world, of the harsh words she was hearing about Muslims, about the intolerance of gay and transgender rights. Kim was looking deeply into her core beliefs. And I was proud of her for doing so.

At this half-year point, Kim would be appalled at the Trump campaign, at the state of politics. And she was not political. But she did have a deeply-rooted sense of fairness and justice. And she wore it in a social worker's role.

I'm guessing that just maybe, for the first time in her life, Kim would become much more vocal and active this election season. She was also firm that she didn't want me to re-enter the political scene; too many skeletons, I'm thinking. And she was probably right. She wanted to protect both me and the kids.

But this election season is changing the norm. We have a local legislator who is championing language that is so hateful, so dangerous, all the while with a hand on the Bible. It's hypocrisy at its peak. It's disgusting. And it's disappointing so many support his words.

We have Donald Trump one step away from the presidency. How could one consider such a vulgar man for this country's top spot? I'm more qualified than Trump. I even have fewer skeletons!

What is it that Trump has that I don't? Money.

That's one of today's greatest injustices. I've worked much of my life on issues of poverty and class issues. Trump is dialing it back and campaigning on fear. Sadly, it resonates.

Kim would be stepping up against those words of hate. We all should.

So at the six-month point of Kim's death, even a blog talking about this journey can't hide from the fact that it's been ugly out there. And Kim would now want me to venture into the fray, I'm thinking. And to speak my mind, campaigning in my own way against hate.

How's that for a shift away from Kim's final day, those final minutes?

I still have moments when I cry. It usually comes after spending time with the grandchildren. Kim would be shining during those times.

For those grandchildren -- and your grandchildren -- we can't keep going down this road of hate, climate change denial, and intolerance. We can do better. Kim would want it that way.

Mother's Day 2016
This was a Mother's Day like no other. For the first time in my 59 years, there was no mom.

With Kim gone, we all tried. I bought hanging plants, because it's what she liked to do on these type of days. To my surprise, so did Mikell, who also bought small potted plants for the side of our house. It was one of those odd rituals Kim had, and she had plenty.

Andy, Sarah and Juni did similar things in Traverse City, Michigan.

Kim liked these simple things. She would be pleased to know the kids have been checking up on each other, trying to get some sense of how everyone was faring this Mother's Day 2016. She was so proud of her six children. So am I, more than ever.

But it's not the same, nor should it be. And that's what we all wrestled with. There's this huge hole in our lives, more so than we'd ever have imagined. Mikey's post late Sunday night summed it up, I think:

To a woman who loved with everything she had, who wasn't afraid to speak her mind and enjoyed a cold beer.

I more than miss you mom. I ache for you, and I so wish you were here.. Every single day I strive to be the loving, caring, helpful, sassy, strong woman that you were.

Forever and always Mamma.

Happy Mother's Day ❤️

You try to be better prepared for these moments, but I'm guessing there's truly no way to be. I have always told my kids that no one day means any more to me than any other. Live for each one. Every moment is sacred.

The week began with the grandson's first birthday on May 1. It would have been a moment, a day Kim would have both reveled in and pretty much smothered Myles, and been almost too much to bear! It was a day that I knew, eventually, would become emotional. Oddly, it hit Bill and I when I danced softly with Myles, as he fell asleep on my shoulder, listening of all things to the Adam Levine version of Prince's "Purple Rain."

Myles and I had been practicing during a babysitting episode a few days earlier. Who knew he'd konk out before the guitar solo. But it was touching, and a day Bill and Jess so wanted Kim to witness.

The week also included the Saturday dance recital of grand-daughters Bryce and Brynn at Mankato West, of which Kim usually was the loudest to cheer of all mothers/grandmothers.

I sat in the auditorium with Ben (right) and Mikell and couldn't help but get emotional again. Every one of these highlights, be it a birthday or dance recital or next Mother's Day, she would no longer experience. And we'll keep planning for Matt and Krystal's wedding without her.

So she needs to be in us.

Ambryn, who is anxiously planning a move back to Minnesota this summer with wife Alex, set up a mini-shrine in honor of Mother's Day at her place in Seattle. There is now a different, even renewed love for Kim.

We are stumbling through these days as best we can. And they are still very good times. But Mother's Day, of all days, tests one's soul.

We will make it. And we will make it together.

Five months: The healing magic of music and dance

I've hit the concert and music circuit often since my wife Kim died Nov. 23. It's therapeutic and soothes my soul. I'm even remembering Kim's simple message to me when I'd get emotional listening to certain songs:

"Then quit listening to so many sad songs!" she'd tell me. Kim liked dancing to Aretha Franklin and Motown. Her final dance at the Seattle wedding of Ambryn and Alex in September 2015 was a classic. And it will continue to be one my family's cherished pictures.

Singer-songwriters simply write a lot of sad songs. While they can tug at your heart, the messages come from the soul. And it makes for great messages in songs, for most of us have gone through some heartache.

I love music. A couple decades ago when I took in a community leadership retreat, then called the Institute for Renewing Community Leadership, the question was asked if one had to do it all over again, what path might you take. I said singer-songwriter.

But I laughed a bit about it. Talent helps and makes that do-over easier.

For I grew up listening to Jackson Browne and others of that genre. Those '70s songwriters like Browne brought great lyrics to great songs. His "For a Dancer" is still among my all-time favorites, and when I spoke at my high school graduation back in 1975, I quoted from another Browne tune, "These Days."

"Don't confront me with my failures, I had not forgotten them."

Kim wasn't planning on dying just yet. So, while she and I talked very briefly about some funeral plans, the only thing I recalled was she wanted the Patty Griffin song -- "Heavenly Day."

It wasn't, however, an easy choice. Youngest son Andy and his wife Sarah had that song at their wedding. But after some family discussion, we opted for it to be played. And I'm glad we did.

Who to play it was a bit more difficult. We have some great singers and musicians in the Melius circle -- Tyler Polzin, Tom Womack, Jeff Melius. But they were too close. So I sent out a Facebook inquiry to my musician friends and, amazingly, three came through in short order.

Ann Rosenquist Fee found one; Mary Jane Alm said she would check within her network. But it was Lori Jean Mathiowetz who found Andrea Lyn Gehrke. We'd never met, but she didn't hesitate, played with such passion and depth, and her song will be forever etched in our family's history and souls.

Found out later she married the son of a high school classmate of mine, Dave Gehrke. A couple of months later, I attended a fundraiser of hers in New Ulm, one raising money for kids in the New Ulm school district without a permanent address, those who were likely couch hopping or living with relatives.

Music has that power. Always has.

That's part of the reason Prince's death -- and his tributes -- touch us so. I joined a couple friends Thursday night at First Avenue in Minneapolis. I was touched by the simplicity of action, for thousands joined in a peaceful, yet rocking tribute. It was special.

I was never a diehard Prince fan, never saw him live. But loved his music and "Purple Rain" was, and is, my favorite. Same goes for "Nothing Compares 2 U," which Prince wrote and Sinead O'Connor made popular.

But Prince's evolution and personal journey I found interesting. He had so many gifts to share and he seemed to be re-inventing himself, growing, and -- finally -- opening up to his fans. But the time of his death, he had also grown spiritually and was giving back to causes, those in need. Particularly our youth.

One of his lesser known songs, "Sometimes It Snows in April," touches both our heartache and the magic of music.

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
But all good things, they say, never last

All good things they say, never last
And love, it isn't love until it's past

That truly sums up this journey. This thing called life.

Four Months...and a week on the Melius docket

I'm making progress. I passed one of the true benchmarks of being able to move on a bit from the unexpectedness of Kim's Nov. 23 death -- I was able to watch another TV episode of NCIS.

It's one of those funny things but so real. Kim loved NCIS. She'd watched the reruns on the USA network...over and over. And she remain quite pissed over Ziva David leaving.

But I had tried to sit down and watch an NCIS episode shortly after Kim's funeral, and it became too emotional. It didn't seem fair she wasn't there in the living room.

It was the same with the show Castle. Son Ben got Kim hooked on that one, and it did give me a bit of reprieve from NCIS.

Kim had these spurts, favoring certain series. The first was Star Trek: The Next Generation. She moved on more recently to rerun movie marathons, particularly the Harry Potter films and James Bond. Now, none of it seems right watching. So I don't. Maybe one NCIS episode will move me a bit further down this path.

And I am moving on. It's day-to-day and never quite the same. I immerse myself in work at times, lucky to have good friends in both the journalism profession and personal life. I keep reaching out to those I trust and who I believe are comfortable dealing with my thoughts. Not everyone is. Not everyone talks of death easily or openly. Kim taught me that, how different people deal with death.

I know each of my kids are dealing with it differently, as well. Ben is in Mankato and spending many weekends following two dancers -- Bryce and Brynn. They're both amazing in their own unique ways. Brooke, I think, is taking Kim's death as hard as anyone. But I appreciate her questions and glad Kim meant so much to her. Unique relationships often add to this amazing journey, and their's was.

Ambryn is hanging on in Seattle, anxious to move back to Minnesota. Her and Alex experienced Kim at her fullest during their 2015 wedding. Today, with Kim gone, that Seattle wedding seems almost magical in many ways. As I have noted before, it was the first time Kim and I had ever sat together in an airplane, after more than 36 years of marriage and four years prior. It surprised both of us when we realized it. We lived such different lifestyles, contrasting professions, often with separate friend networks. Those of us who made Seattle will never forget it.

Billy has become as proud a dad as I've seen. He and Jess live in St. Peter, so I've been able to see them often, babysitting some, watching our only grandson Myles admire the world around him. He's a serious little tyke, much like his dad. And a momma's boy. One of my fondest memories is seeing Kim and Myles gazing out their living room window, watching the simple things, both in amazement, surely in different views.

Matt took a new job as executive chef at the Henderson RoadHaus. I'm so happy for his change, for I've rarely seen a harder worker than Matt. And Henderson is such a grand community, with that historic downtown and dedicated leadership network. He's going to be moving there in June, and awaits an August wedding with fiance, Krystal.

That wedding is going to be emotional in many ways. It's the fourth straight summer of weddings for the Melius family, but the only one Kim will miss. We never imagined she wouldn't be around for it, so all of us need to keep that in mind as we move closer to that celebration.

Andy and Sarah are both special ed teachers and coaches in Traverse City, Michigan. It's a gorgeous place, and we're also fortunate Kim was able to see it. Granddaughter Juniper might just be the happiest little tyke ever. I'm proud of those two teachers, as I am of many of those in that underpaid, increasingly tough profession. And I'm more proud of their parenting skills.

And there's Mikell. She has been a rock of support for me these months. She's taken tons of time to spend it with me, living (most of the time) in Winthrop at the house. And she's joined me at the St. Peter Herald and has gained the trust and support of fellow co-workers in our demanding field, as well. She'll be settling into her own apartment soon. There are no ways to properly thank her for what she's given to me since Kim died.

Mikell now needs her own space; we both understand that. She just turned 24, remains adventurous, having spent time in Europe and more recently a hiking trip into some of the most amazing scenery in the southwestern region of the Grand Canyon.

Just as importantly, I need to move on. That is so difficult to put my arms around. It hurts saying it, it hurts typing it. I had been fully prepared to move on helping Kim in her health journey. And I was proud of her in many ways, for she was opening up about it and glad to finally come to grips with it all. As difficult as these four months have been at times, I am so fortunate to have been next to her during her challenges, just as she was for me.

March 24 would have been our 37th anniversary. It's also Billy and Grandpa Mel's birthdays. It was, needeless to say, a big day in the Melius-Polzin families. And, as always, we made it through with ongoing love.

I will do the same in the months and years to come. But, dearest Kim, it is time to move on. Just as you have. I miss you, but you will forever be in my heart and soul. And those grandest of accomplishments -- Ben, Ambryn, Billy, Matt, Andy and Mikell -- will hold you, as well.

Peace. Let us all find peace.

Three months

Three months have gone by since Kim's death. At times, it remains surreal.

But the reality of it now surfaces daily. I no longer cry every day. In a lot of ways, I liked it better when I cried.

I don't want to lose my grasp of Kim, her ways, her voice, her biting wit, her love for her children and grandchildren. This new reality is now the family's journey together. And there is a key missing ingredient.

Me and the six kids are dealing with the change as best we can. For each of us, it's certainly similar in ways, very different in others. We grieve differently, we remember Kim differently. But we do deeply remember.

Every day I slide my hand over Kim's urn, I look at her photo, smile and move on. That's both the surreal nature of it all and the struggle with the reality. I've been surprised by the depth of my grief, for we fought too much over 36 years of marriage. We disagreed often on important matters. We both made too many mistakes.

But we shared so much together. And we had become best friends again.

I also no longer struggle so at night getting to sleep. Kim's last day, last minutes, had been haunting me. I'm over that, thank goodness, and have left it in the hands of lawyers I deeply respect and trust. It's best left with them. But there still seems to be a bit of survivor's guilt living inside me.

There still are rough times. One of the worst was finding Kim's glasses. I had misplaced them for a spell, and daughter Mikell was thinking about filling them with her eye prescription. Taking them out of the case, I recalled Kim with those glasses, kitty-wampus on her head because of having to wear a beanie due to her brain tumor surgery.

Mikell had originally picked them up from a St. Peter eyeglasses place in preparation for Kim's post-surgery recovery; contacts weren't going to work for a time. And Kim was pleased with them.

It was even a tougher day when I received a call from the physician who performed Kim's hysterectomy to address her uterine cancer. She asked if I wanted to hear the final report, and I did.

The surgery had been successful; Kim was cancer free. No chemo, no radiation would have been necessary had Kim lived. Ironically, my wife was a cancer survivor...only briefly. We're still searching for the answers. Answers which likely will never come.

Still, my personal journey is blessed by my children and grandchildren. Mikell has moved back for a spell, which I have so enjoyed. And we're now co-workers at the St. Peter Herald. These unexpected windows of opportunity also close quickly, so I treasure them.

And while I try to maintain a healthy balance, not cause the kids to worry about me, yet also provide strength and guidance, our depth of love certainly grows. How can it not? There is so much ahead of us all. And Kim, while likely being darn mad that she's not going along for the ride, would want us to hold tightly to this love.

I have also been blessed with my work, which I deeply love. Getting back into journalism has been a gift. It's also brought me into an amazing new community, with people who care about me and I them. I can not thank them enough.

My new friends at River Rock Coffee and St. Peter Food Co-op, at Patrick's, at St. Peter Public Schools lift me daily. I'm proud to share a sense of community with such talents as Ann Rosenquist Fee and Nicole Helget. Dr. Paul Peterson, St. Peter superintendent, checks on me from time to time, It means a lot.

My passion for and love of music is healing and spiritual for me. It's initiated my new friendship with the talented Mary Jane Alm, prompted me to take in the sounds more often, to grow in new and different ways. This Saturday, I will see gifted Indianapolis singer-songwriter Carrie Newcomer for the first time in over 15 years, when she sings and spiritual guru Parker Palmer speaks in Belle Plaine.

But despite this renewed sense of purpose and hope, it's still a struggle at times, I remain somewhat lost.

It will be an ongoing roller coaster ride, I've been told. It's simply a ride none of us expected.